In search of love
In this age, hardly a week goes by without hearing about celebrity couples separating or an ideal couple’s relationship crumbling as a result of broken trust. Technology has no doubt brought people together, yet staying together seems to be getting harder especially with the current generation.
Countless research findings have established that humans need good relationships for emotional stability. A recent study by Dr Susan Kraus, a brain sciences professor at the University of Massachusetts, indicates that as we grow older, we need intimacy for our general wellbeing. This means that intimate relationships are a key part of our adult life.
However, recent occurrences show that relationships are not always that rosy, peaceful or long lasting, which begs the question, are such unions still worth having? Most importantly, what do young people think about dating?
We speak with three millennials and a life coach in an attempt to solve this puzzle and figure out a practical way forward.
Odanda Orinda
I learnt about relationships from my parents. I never saw them argue. I come from a humble background and to date, I am touched by all the things my parents did for us during our childhood years. Their commitment and sacrifice shaped my perception of relationships and taught me that marriage does work, as long as the parties involved want it to work.
From that background, and from other influences such as social media and movies, my picture of an ideal relationship is one where there is no codependence. I don’t think anybody should be responsible for my happiness and vice versa. Everyone is struggling with something so I don’t want to be responsible for my partner’s baggage once we start going out.
Before someone gets into a relationship, they need to have their house in order so that they don’t require the other person to carry their baggage. Both parties should come in whole, so that they can find ways of making each other happier.
I am not suggesting that everyone should be in a relationship, but I believe it is better to be in one than to be single. Being loved and cared for is a lovely feeling. Imagine having someone with whom you can discuss your days and life challenges…it can prevent you from making a fool out of yourself on social media with weird posts and comments.
I have experienced single life, and my experience was characterised by acute loneliness, to the point I felt detached from the world.
However, my relationships have not all been rosy. Some felt like heavy loads that prevented me from thriving. Through them I learnt the importance of checking the suitability of a prospective partner before committing, and to discuss every little detail before hand instead of assuming that things will fall in line.
As a millennial, I’d say dating is quite hard now compared to earlier times. For instance, partners sometimes come with unrealistic demands gathered from online sources and even if you are objective and open minded, they can bring you down. Surprisingly, those who sell these standards don’t even live by them. Additionally, there are all these stories of people cheating on each other and this really affects how I feel about relationships.
Honestly, I am scared because you can’t tell if someone is going to cheat on you or not. That is something that always has me on toes. I am always cautious. There are a lot of diseases around!
Sheila Litwachi
One thing that scares me about relationships is ending up in an emotionally or physically abusive union. Abuse is a red flag I never ignore. I once told someone that if they ever laid hands on me, I would leave without looking back. They responded by saying that that is a childish thing to do because violence in relationships isn’t a big deal. That shook me to the core, and I have never spoken to that person ever again. I wasn't being petty, I was just looking out for myself. I did not bother educating them because in this day and age, every one ought to be aware that violence is not OK.
The only relationship I see myself getting into is a healthy one where there is trust, respect, honesty, open communication and where my partner values my interests, not just his. Most importantly, I have to feel loved. I can tell someone loves me through their actions – if they make me feel special, if they listen to me, encourage me to pursue my interests, make me happy even in the smallest ways and don’t limit my potential.
In my very first relationship, I went all in and was stupid in love, expecting that everything would be rosy forever. The relationship really contributed to my growth. And even though it ended, I thoroughly enjoyed it. You have someone you can share your joys and sorrows with, who is always there for you, and the random gifts make the experience even more magical.
I also once experienced a partner who was so full of himself and kept belittling my achievements, and that really affected me. I felt like I had little time for myself and my personal interests. I was constantly thinking about the other person.
Now, I prefer being single. I've just begun my journey towards self-awareness and I don't want anything to interfere with that. I know that for me to understand others, I have to understand myself first. Furthermore, I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't suit me because I don't understand my needs.
The hardest thing about dating in this age is that people compare their relationships to other people's, and there's a certain pressure among young people to attain "couple goals" which is just absurd. Our expectations of our partners are so high because we are flooded with images of perfect love from TV, social media and advertisements.
One thing people often forget is that they don’t have to endure emotional abuse just because they love someone. People need to know that it's okay to leave when things are no longer working.
Personally, I always choose myself in such situations, and don't get me wrong, I do try to make things work, but if that becomes impossible, I explore my options without hesitation.
Rachael Wanjiku
I no longer believe in true love. I used to read fairy tales such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty which always had a happy ending. So, I grew up believing that I’d experience that kind of love where I’d meet my prince charming, be blown away, start dating, get married and then live happily ever after. However, based on my experiences and those of others close to me, I no longer think fairy tales exist. You just have to fight for what you want.
I think relationships require you to endure a lot. You’ll be dealing with someone you don’t fully understand so you need to be strong, patient, caring and independent, otherwise you will be taken advantage of.
At the moment, I highly advocate for single life, especially for those in their early 20s. That is a time to discover yourself, figure out what is good for you and what’s not. If love comes your way, by all means, embrace it. But if you go out looking for it, chances are that you’ll only get hurt.
Being single is working out for me because I am able to express myself freely and I am a lot happier because there is less drama in my life. I have more time to myself, I listen to myself more and pursue whatever ideas I have fearlessly.
If I ever get into a relationship, it will be with someone who is like me. I don’t buy the idea that opposites attract. My ideal relationship is one where we can grow together and everyone brings something to the table. I want someone who is ready to be goofy, happy and is all rounded. As an extrovert, I wouldn’t go for an introvert because I would get so bored.
My last relationship ended because of lack of communication, and this is something I plan to avoid in future. Before getting into a relationship, I need to be financially stable, and someone has to be worth my time and prove their love for me. I also plan to use my instincts to determine if someone is right for me because I fear heartbreak and exploitation.
In Nairobi where I live, believing in love is so hard because couples get caught cheating every other day. I feel like I have to be prepared for the disappointment as I enter a relationship. However, before that happens, I’ll keep sticking to the best relationship advice I have received: If you don’t see them in your life in the next five years, don’t bother establishing a bond.
Shila Chebet
Shila is a life coach based in the United Kingdom. She runs Gene Coaching School which offers group and one-on-one online courses on a wide range of topics relating to living life in the best possible way.
How can one tell they are ready for a relationship?
You will know you are ready when you start looking at the world from a healed, stable and happy point of view. The way society is structured, we pick up a lot of trauma as we grow up, so we end up looking at life through foggy lenses, often because the people bringing us up are also looking at life from that same angle of trauma. If you get into a relationship before addressing the trauma, your life will be full of pain and will be unfulfilling.
What are the qualities of a healthy relationship?
A healthy relationship is characterised by just one thing – joy. A relationship that brings you joy is a healthy one. That joy is like a basket, and in it there are many things which in their absence, there would be no joy. It is like when you’re cooking pilau. If some ingredients are missing, it will not be good pilau. One of the things to be found in the joy basket is companionship because the whole point of a relationship is to have a life companion. If you are in a relationship where you feel lonely, there is no joy in that. Additionally, there has to be love, respect, communication, shared values, shared goals and growth. If there is no growth, there will be no joy.
How does our upbringing shape our view of relationships?
It is in childhood that our outlook on relationships is modelled. The kind of relationship our parents had with each other is what becomes our norm. Our upbringing shapes our idea of marriage because it teaches us what a relationship should be like. If you grow up in a home where the father disrespects the mother, and you’re the daughter, you’ll not have a problem getting into a relationship with a man who disrespects you because you will believe that is the norm. In fact, you’ll be very uncomfortable if you get a man who respects you as it will feel foreign. If you’re a boy growing up in such a home, you are likely to disrespect your girlfriend. Same goes for those who grow up in a home where there was domestic violence. Therefore, there is a great need to set good examples for children, and that is where life coaches come in. They are supposed to help you heal so that you avoid replicating the same mistakes.
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship in this age?
We mostly hear about partners cheating on each other because it is quicker for bad news to spread than positive news. Truth is, there are many other relationships where cheating doesn’t happen and where trust is maintained. Some unions are marked by respect, trust, loyalty and fidelity. Those relationships exist and I always urge people in healthy relationships to start talking about their connection. That way, we will avoid situation where young people think all relationships are bad and everyone is cheating. Those who cheat and break their partners’ trust are often part of the group looking at life from the lenses of trauma. These are people who are not physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stable. If you fare stable and healed, you won’t need to cheat.
How can one leave a toxic relationship for good?
This is one area where life coaches come in. Leaving can be very difficult because of lack of support, stigma, fear or lack of energy to make that bold change. To leave a toxic relationship, you need a support system and life coaches can help with that. Leaving can be harder if you try to do it on your own. If you can’t access a life coach, lean on friends, relatives, counsellors, therapists or even a support group on social media. BY DAILY NATION




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