Just Brenda: My mum hates my girlfriend

 

Dear Brenda,

I am dating this girl  seriously for marriage. My problem is, my mother won’t like her because she is not the type to come over to the house with food or offer to help clean after the family is over or anything like that. She's not domestic in that way. I really want the main women in my life to get along, so I don’t know if this is a big enough deal. Is it?

Dear Help Seeking Harry,

Here’s the thing – the only person marrying your girlfriend is you. You’re the one who will have to put up with whether or not she can wash a mean dish or wipe down a counter or anything like that. You’re the one who she has to be compatible with – not your mother.

You’re the one saying the vows to her – not your mother. And here’s another thing – if you’re contemplating marriage, that means that you’re thinking about taking on the job of being the person who protects her from your family.

You're the buffer. What does that look like to you? Does that mean not putting her in situations where your mother can criticise her, or explaining your girlfriend’s personality to your mother during family functions? Yes, love is not enough.

And yes, there are certain performances that people put on for the in laws, whether they want to or not – it’s part of life and situational awareness, we all have masks that we put on for the public.

But it is not your girlfriend’s fault if she chooses not to wear that mask. If anything, you should be glad that she’s not being fake. I wish you success in finding a happy medium – one that may potentially last your whole life.

Start how you mean to finish.