How to score big on your first night as a couple
I was pleasantly surprised to receive a call from the chairperson of the women's chama (the welfare group asks me to speak on intimacy to their members sporadically).
This time, she wanted me to speak to some young women, who are daughters of their members, on intimacy. The conversation would happen via zoom.
"Some of our daughters are about to get married," the chairperson explained; "we don't want them to start off like we did. Nobody prepared us and for days we agonised."
I agreed to the zoom call. "I am scared about getting naked in front of a man for the first time," a lady, who was about 25, says.
"It is not a laughing matter by the way," interrupted another. "When I first had sex, I felt so much pain for so many days, yet I was shy to talk about it."
It is unfortunate that people start off their sex lives on a bad footing. Unlike in the times of our grandparents when young men and women got lessons on these issues, times have changed - social structures that provided such lessons are no longer in place.
Most people depend on the stories they read in novels or on what they watch in movies, or their equally uninformed peers, to learn about sex.
A number of religious institutions have pre-marital counselling lessons. A spot check on the content of these lessons shows little or no content on practicalities of how to be intimate.
SEXUAL DEBUT
Many of the lessons stress on the need to avoid sex till marriage but not on how to have it.
Church members are left to trial and error to discover for themselves how to meet the sexual obligations of their partners. It's little wonder that sex becomes one of the major areas of discontent immediately after marriage.
"Yes, I plan to get married this year, and I am so anxious. Will I be able to satisfy him?" Maria, who I learn is 24 years old, says.
For most women, the first sexual experience is like a rape. There are mixed feelings of love and apprehension.
Some women feel dirty and they just do not want to do it again. Others fear disease and think they have been infected. Of course men do not necessarily also know what to do.
Many fumble around and end up with premature ejaculation. "We want your help Prof?" one of the young ladies says. "We want to start off on a good footing and forever enjoy our sexual lives without feeling inadequate, anxious or any form of pain."
FOREPLAY
Well, some women have already been exposed to sex and are quite experienced by the time they are marrying. Others are virgins. Let us however discuss how to handle sex in the first days of a new relationship.
Foreplay is key in preparing the body and mind for sex and you should learn to give it attention and time from the start.
Sensual activities are the bane of healthy and satisfying sex. Proactively endeavour to learn and practice them. A lot of people hurry into penetration. This temptation should be avoided.
Secondly, learn to communicate what you feel, not just what feels bad but also what feels good. In this way your partner will not mistake your agony for pleasure.
Of course if one is a virgin there is the hymen to be broken. Some pain and bleeding can happen. The pain and discomfort fade off in subsequent encounters.
SEX SKILLS
It is important to note that sex will only be smooth and painless if there is adequate lubrication. Lubrication is a natural response to stimulation.
Women should request their men to delay penetration till when adequately lubricated.
I realised that ladies were unusually quiet so I asked if they were still in the meeting. The thing with virtual meetings is that you can end up talking to yourself if the network goes off.
"We are taking notes. Some of us are facing situations where your man jumps on you without adequate preparation," one of the women answered.
Well, many men lack sex skills. Nobody teaches them these things and many times they mean well but cause more harm than good.
Create opportunities for both of you to learn and master the skills of good sex.
Many of the zoom members asked for private sessions for in-depth knowledge. I registered them for sex coaching with their partners.
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