Becoming a mother is perhaps one of the most profound transformations a woman can experience. It changes nearly every aspect of her life physically, emotionally, mentally and even socially.
Hormonal shifts, changes in sleep patterns, and the instinctive bond between mother and child all lead to what has been referred to as the ‘mummy brain’, which enhances multitasking and awareness and prioritises caregiving.
Still, motherhood presents unique challenges that test their skills, especially in the current world filled with evolving social norms, digital influences and shifting family dynamics.
They also face a barrage of advice from experts, peers and social media, often feeling overwhelmed by conflicting opinions on the “best” way to raise their children.
Away from the noise, we talk to four mothers to find out how they navigate the not-so-straight route to the ‘perfect’ motherhood, and what they wish they knew prior to their current role as a mother.
1. Charity Katago-Kamau, managing partner Riverwood Communications and a mother to two girls and a boy
What has been the most unexpected challenge of raising a teenager?
The fact that they become their own person and that your influence isn’t the ultimate. That you are nurturing a person who has free will and a mind of her own, who chooses how she wants to engage socially.
How do you keep an open line of communication with your teenage child?
You just keep talking, engaging and mostly listening to them; otherwise, there are many things they will tell other people and not tell you. The same kind of pressure you feel relating to them as their parent is the same pressure they feel relating to you as their guardian.
How do you strike the balance between enforcing rules and allowing independence?
Trying my best to be clear on expectations, boundaries, responsibilities and consequences of negative actions. While it’s important to be friendly with my teenager, it doesn’t mean we are peers. I am still the parent, the responsible one and the one in charge. We aren’t equal in stature, responsibility and duties.
What do you wish you had known before your child became a teenager?
That I will stop being the centre of attention and influence in their life. That they and their sphere of influence will matter more to them than I do.
Any advice to your younger self?
A younger Charity should start saving early. The earlier I develop this habit, the better chances for me to generate long-term wealth from compound interest. It’s easier to save while younger because I have fewer financial responsibilities. I would also choose my friends wisely and work hard to sustain mutually beneficial friendships while dropping negative ones as fast as possible.
2. Moureen Nyagah, founder, Thrive Beauty and aesthetic skincare consultant. She is a mother to one daughter
What challenge do you find in raising a daughter?
Girls are, by nature, very fragile. Sometimes they don’t want to understand your reasons for making certain decisions. They are also very emotional, especially when they want something from you. They will cry and may not understand the reasons as to why they can’t have things their way. But being a mother to girls is exciting as they get to express themselves fully and ‘empty’ their minds.
What dangers does social media pose for a mother?
There is a lot that gets hidden on social media that a child may not want the parent to know. Sometimes it may feel like you don’t know your children or whether you are interacting with them for who they really are.
How do you keep the lines of communication open?
It’s about communicating with each other, not at each other. I want her to tell me the good, the bad, the ugly and the really ugly. I need to learn to listen, however scary some things might be.
Do you sometimes feel a disconnect between you and your child?
I keep reminding myself that a parent and a child will always disconnect from one another at some point, but a strong foundation will bring that connection back.
Any advice to your younger self?
I should start engaging with people in the field I am interested in and learn from them and their mistakes. I need to start investing in the person I want to be in future, especially by taking classes more seriously, because knowledge is power. Should I get into a relationship, I should learn to trust my instincts.
3. Agatha Juma, story curator, coach and co-founder Engage Kenya; mother to two sons and a daughter
What do you wish you had known before your children became teenagers?
I wish I knew they would change from the adorable children who leaned on every breath, who made me believe I was the best mother in the whole world, to humans who had their own brains, opinions, likes and dislikes which were not always similar to mine. I wish I knew that the “fight for independence” was a normal part of life and they’d turn out into young men that I am incredibly proud of.
How do you balance between enforcing rules and allowing some independence?
Life has no balance. Sometimes I enforce rules, sometimes I allow some independence. Sometimes I create new rules, sometimes I compromise. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes it backfires. I have learnt to trust my gut.
What advice would you give your younger self?
To stay open to learning, changing and pivoting. I would develop a healthy money relationship early by having the discipline to set aside money for investment and retirement, whether it is Sh500, since it gets harder as the years go by. Agatha should also surround herself with positive, progressive people who push her to do more and better.
4. Terry Max, project manager in landscape and design and mother to three daughters
What did you wish you knew before your child became a teenager?
I wish I were prepared about their ‘unique’ dress code (baggy tops, crocs) and in making decisions regarding the choice of sports. For example, my daughters support foreign football clubs to an extent, they have jerseys that they wear in the house during any match in support of their teams. I can only imagine what would have happened if I had told my mum I was going to play football when I was younger.
Does your children’s social media presence pose any challenges to you?
The pressure to have their own social media accounts, though I feel they are not fully equipped to handle them. I hear some open accounts with outrageous usernames. They also don’t want their parents to be friends with them on these accounts. They seem to trust their pals more than you.
How easily do they communicate with you?
They speak out, unlike some of us who were suppressed during our upbringing. I expected the same with the teenagers, only to find little lawyers with written scripts justifying their needs and deeds. They express themselves outwardly and the parent is left to either listen or absorb the moment.
Have you had to disconnect from your children?
No. I always feel connected with my teens as I cultivated this culture from a young age. However, there are a few circumstances that can arise, especially when our ideas clash. In such circumstances, I tend to weigh the matter and evaluate the consequences.
By Peter Muiruri
