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And now, big chance to join the mother of all political coalitions

 

Exactly one month ago on this very page, I unleashed snippets of a presidential campaign manifesto that had all my opponents running helter-skelter.

Where ODM leader Raila Odinga promised a measly Sh6,000 monthly stipend for every needy family, I pledged Sh60,000 monthly for every man, woman and child in this great republic. And while he promises to bring down the cost of food, I will ‘best’ him by making free food available to every Kenyan. And it will not be the cheap staples of maize and beans but the exotic imported fare consumed at State House and, of course, washed down with the finest of wines.

Deputy President William Ruto has popularised the wheelbarrow as a political vehicle. I will go beyond dishing out wheelbarrows to unemployed youth to building a wheelbarrow manufacturing factory in every constituency. I might add here that, after free distribution to everyone in Kenya, we will start exporting by the shiploads to major world markets, such as the United States, China, Britain, Russia, India, the European Union, Japan, the Middle East, South America and every other region hungry for high-tech Kenyan ingenuity.

Go beyond wheelbarrows

We will even go beyond wheelbarrows to fabricating and exporting pangas, jembes, hoes, slashers and other modern tools,

Now get ready: One month from today, April 1, 2022, you are all welcome to the launch to beat all presidential campaign launches. Heeding the call of the people, I will accept the presidential nomination of my Federal Action Kenya Enterprise Party at an event that will dwarf every earthquake, tsunami, typhoon, volcano, hurricane and atomic explosion ever recorded in the universe. The Arctic snow will melt from the reverberations from the epicentre, the Kirigiti International Stadium.

If my worthy rivals are mouthing election promises that defy common sense, I will, on that day, unveil an economic blueprint that will defy all known and unknown laws and principles of economics, accounting and mathematics. Even the law of gravity will be suspended.

Mine will not be just cheap slogans about dishing out money to every interest group but a concrete plan on where the money will come from. I’ve already contacted the biggest banknote printing firms in the world to set up base in Kenya.

Nominations are still open

Meanwhile, even as I accept the presidential nomination of my party, secured by popular mandate without opposition, I’m not selfish and, as a true democratic, will reserve opportunities for latecomers, if any. Nominations are still open and anybody who wants to challenge me for the party’s presidential ticket is free to apply.

All one has to do is register as a party member, download the application form and return it with a Sh2 million deposit in my—sorry, eer...party’s—bank account.

We are also keeping open the register for those who want party nomination for Governor, Senator, Member of the National Assembly, Woman Representative and Member of the County Assembly. The application forms and information on requisite fees are available at the online office.

Since we are confident of winning, we are also accepting application forms and CVs from all interested in serving our government as Cabinet secretaries, principal secretaries, regional and county commissioners, Supreme Court judges, state corporation chief executives and board members, and all other senior public service appointments. The processing and handling fee of Sh1 million for every application should be sent to the same bank account.

In the meantime, accepting the call of the people on April 1 to run for president does not mean that I am averse to honest, structured conversation with like-minded opponents. The door, therefore, remains open for dialogue with any other political formations towards crafting an unbeatable winning formula.

Highest bidder

We’re ready to engage both Dr Ruto’s Kenya Kwanza and Mr Odinga’s Azimio la Umoja—whichever is the highest bidder. The same bank account will suffice.

In return for dropping my presidential bid to support the coalition’s candidate, my millions of supporters will, of course, demand that I continue to serve them, and Kenya, in any alternative capacity worthy of my talents, enterprise and dedication. I will, therefore, accept a direct ticket to contest for a safe seat of my choice or, failing that, a guaranteed slot in a ‘lucrative’ office in the incoming government.

That is not too much to ask, seeing as to the energy, resources and intellectual capital already invested in this enterprise towards a new Kenya where nobody will ever go hungry or lack shelter, clothing, healthcare, education or the chance to develop to full potential.

The Federal Action Kenya Enterprise Party is ready to rock and roll.     BY DAILY NATION   

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