Last year at uneventful morning brunch, my gal-pal and I intensely listened to this woman who was narrating how she forged her way onto the altar in under a year.
At the end of the event while walking to our respective Ubers, we caught up with her and amidst a friendly chit-chat, my friend casually inquired how she met her fiance’ and she, just as casually, replied “Oh, we met on Tinder!”
As millennial daters, we have experienced it all. Though we fear to admit, serendipitously running into the loves of our lives at the gym or supermarket has sourly turned into a pipe dream.
While at the same time the notion that an algorithm meant to determine compatibility could lead to true forever love still seems vaguely unnatural. But thanks to this woman, it wasn’t much of an unconventional fairytale surprise any longer.
So I powered up for a round of online dating. In the midst of activating my reintroduction into the dating world, I discovered that there were as many as 40 Kenyan dating sites and apps that went unnoticed by the vast majority. I decided to give our own innovation a clean spin.
Armed with a PC, petty cash and a camera, I briskly had my sister take fetching photos and upload my first account on Cloudromance, Kenya’s largest dating site. Then, it’s camera, lights, and we are rolling ….its action time.
The Funny Man
Met through: Cloudromance.
Having brushed through hae’s, hey’s, hi’s for days now, I receive a compelling message from Mark. Mark is 28, has shoulder-length dreadlocks and looks a lot bit like Nyashinski. I deliriously love Nyashinski. Notably, Nyashinski is 6’3 inches.
I examine Mark’s pictures to work his height out but am met with a bland ‘single looking for: a relationship’ message. I’m slightly dispirited.
Mark is a bar tender and an open-mike comedian on the side. We engage over a week and his humour feels increasingly familiar as I get a powerful sensation that we’ve met him before.
Another week into chatting, and I’ve struck gold. Witty, great conversationalist… cute as heck. Then I remember that in all my time there, I have absolutely not met a handsome, well put-together, respectful man on Cloudromance. So if he really is single, what is the deal?
As if by magical manifestation, two days later an Unsolicited Upper-Body Nude shows up on my notification. He messages, “;)”. Ah, classic. The oldest trick on the book, the slow reveal. I block and delete.
My Textlationship.
Met through: Kenyancupid
I set up an account on KC and Ben opens with an unfortunate ‘joke’ that leaves me confused, but intrigued. Plus, he’s a looker. All of his photos show him doing sporty things: biking, rock climbing, and excursing at The Maasai Mara. It’s obvious he’s adventurous and has a great body. Just my type.
By nighttime, we have ‘bonded’ and Ben has sent over a sad story about a difficult time in his life. It’s open, raw and beautifully written and I find myself becoming more fascinated with this mysterious man.
A few days later, things have escalated even further and we make the jump onto video chat. Suddenly, there he is, in full Technicolor, and very, very attractive. He is 30 but looks around 25, with an afro that’s somewhere between a hot Mandingo Warrior and a disco 80’s.
We spend that and a number of other afternoons together on video. He occasionally hints cheekily at a first meet, but I don’t want to show up on a hot date with my potential other half in an unsightly mask. He still sends my heart racing on Tuesdays and Sundays.
The Impressionist
Met through: KenyanCupid.com
I swiftly ‘match’ with Abel, 35, on KenyanCupid. He’s a Kenyan from London, and his profile picture bears a face with a crisply cut beard and half-open office shirt with biceps straining at the seams, nailing my checklist.
Abel is witty and chatty and quickly asks to meet. By this time, quarantine regulations in Nairobi are loosened and most restaurants are back in business, but I’m going away for the weekend with my sisters to see some waterfalls so we set a date for the next Friday.
A week into our chats, and so far I cannot make my mind up about Abel. There’s something weird about him that I can’t exactly put my finger on. He loves telling me about his Korean boss, whom he imitates with an impressively accurate Korean accent which makes me howl. “You really like that, don’t you?” he remarks, then proceeds to do either Indian, Nigerian or Kenyan impressions as if on cue, which I laugh even harder to. This would be great if I hadn’t been faking all these chuckles for biceps’ sake, hence my slow ghost. A sense of humour is too hard to fake.
The Accented
Met through: DatingVIP
I fire up my latest dating app of choice, DatingVIP and match with James. James is 33, tall, and dark. In his profile picture he’s loosely dressed in a beach-shirt and shorts. He says he doesn’t have kids, and even better, lives not far from me which will be extremely convenient when we fall wildly in love and want to sneak around seeing each other six times a week. Maybe some times he’ll pop over and surprise me with Bacardi in the evenings after work, I comically muse.
We get talking over the next two weeks and James, who works in finance, is friendly, chatty and an endearing mix of attractively active and dorky. A geek myself, I warm up to his panache. He asks for my number which I cheerily give seeing as my fantasy is turning into reality.
Later that night on the first call, however, I make a discovery. “Herrow Maci, how a’le yu?” greets James in a very strong Murang’a accent, or is it Meru? I’m never sure with the Mt Kenya accents, but either way he sounds like the sort of chap to sell you 60*100 plots in Kamulu. Don’t get me wrong, accents are fine, endearing even, but romance is an entirely different ballgame. It’s just an accent I attempt to remind myself, but eventually vanity wins.
15 minutes later we end the call, and I find myself blocked and deleted. Touché.
The melanin monitor
Met through: Datemekenya.com
After the fail on DatingVIP, I decide to try something new so I sign up on Datemekenya.com. I soon match up with a dozen guys, and efficiently send each one a quick hello to get the ball rolling. Martin stands out.
Martin is 38, half-white, likes travelling, food, and has two Rottweiler dogs. His profile photo is a family portrait with the pups. I momentarily consider photoshopping myself into the picture, future-mom style.
He clearly read my profile and picked up on several things I’ve mentioned –for example my love for the TV cartoon anime and painting hobby. On a whim, I look closer at his profile and my budding euphoria screeches into an abrupt halt. “No dark skinned women please.” How could I have missed this? I’m not even light-skinned so he’s clearly a colourist lunatic. None of the other matches respond so I haul my tail back to Cloudromance.
The Child/Boundary Issues
Met through: Cloudromance
I find Marcus. He’s 35, 6’4, slim, and spiffy in a well-fitted leather jacket. He just got divorced, no kids and loves ‘adventure’. There’s no time to waste. He could be snapped up by someone else at any moment. I message him immediately!
We get chatting and he’s better than I expected, in fact, he’s almost perfect. Something starts to smell fishy though when I inquire of his family. He has a family in Kericho and a brother in Nairobi but does not get along with his sister. “And why is that?” Marcus says it’s because his sister is a modern mom who doesn’t believe in beating children, the one true mode of discipline. My dreams of making stunning basketball-player babies with this man go down the flusher.
The ‘Real Man’.
Met through: DatingVIP
In my inbox, I find a friendly message from Samuel. He is from Kisumu, he’s 39 with dark glowing skin and sparkling teeth on a pleasant, smiley face holding a glass of what I assume is wine.
To quote my gal-pal, “delicious”. In his profile is a lengthy paragraph detailing a load of likes and preferences we have in common! Sam tells me he’s a Communication’s lecturer which I find brilliant.
After three weeks on the app, we exchange numbers and he surprises me with a voice note –he has a great voice, warm and deep, playfully quirky, with no discernible accent.
When he sees me, he breaks into the broadest, shiniest smile I’ve seen in a long time. I feel a sturdy kick of attraction right in my solar plexus. “Would you believe this is our first date?” I smile back shyly. He tells me about his job, his pet Pitt bull, his former relationship, he shows me his home… we conclude the call an hour later. He still rings me every other day. Who knows what the future holds?
The Accent part 2
Met on: Kenyancupid
Obviously, I’m coming to rather take to KenyanCupid. It’s Saturday, and I have a virtual lunch date with Jason. I now have been chatting with him for weeks only to be disappointed, as I give my matches three days to initiate video dates.
From his photos, Jason appears to be quite jolly and smiley, in reasonable shape and has great curly hair.
Jason is half Italian, which intrigues me. The problem is that Jason has a very strong Italian accent that I struggle to understand. The issue is made worse by the fact that there is a loud football match on his TV. that doesn’t seem to bother him in spite of my bringing it up.
Seeing as I could only make out about 30 percent of what he says, I simply nod and mumble ‘ha-ha’s every so often over the next twenty minutes and thereafter promptly deleting his contact number.
The rejection
Met on: Cloudromance.
Back on Cloudromance, I found myself a reasonably nice-faced suitor. Even though Boniface isn’t especially handsome, doesn’t look tall, and is a bit too slim for my liking, I’m strangely captivated. On his profile, a simple ‘ask, and you might find out’. We chat for a week before he initiates the video date topic.
For context, it turns out this 32-year-old entrepreneur has a highly witty, original and dramatic air to his conversation –think if Russell Brand and Michelle Obama had a baby. Naturally, I am enamored. Something about him has lit my psyche up like New Year’s fireworks!
My body on the other hand, has tanked. For some bonkers reason, I am a nervous nelly stumbling over my words, contributing nothing but awkward silences with I can’t hear you’s shouts. I regret not picking up some beers to lubricate my anxiety wheels. He ends the call on “it’s been so wonderful to finally see you Mercy, you’re a very interesting girl, bye now…” my heart sinks. I know he doesn’t mean it, there’s no mention of a future call.
It’s been a week and as tempted as I am to shoot a ‘Hey there strangerJ ’ text, I shall hold my peace.
Zero chemistry
Met on: DatingVIP
Being cruelly ghosted gave me an appetite to be open-minded, giving chances to people I would not normally consider –the works. In spite of his oddly-angled selfies and not-so-full head of hair, I found myself deep in conversation with Billy, a 31-year-old entrepreneur.
Five days later on our virtual date, I greet an objectively good-looking face on my laptop screen. Just then, I realise there’s something about him that just doesn’t do it for me, and I get a sense that he feels the same way.
Billy’s nerves –or maybe it’s just his personality, seem to be in the way of him being able to hold a conversation. And it continues to not go well. Conversation does not flow. He excuses himself to finish up on some work, promising to call me in a few hours. We all knew there was not going to be a call.
My Verdict
Dating apps are the single greatest tool to help women waste less of their time being polite and deferential and defusing male aggression, and more time going after what they actually want.
In the age of social distancing, we can wax poetic about how writing to each other for months without ever meeting may just bring back romance, but personally I don’t want to invest weeks before I find out if another person’s mouth tastes bad.
That doesn’t mean I won’t do it again. I loved looking through a window into other people’s lives in a time of instability. Online dating requires a kind of nakedness—a willingness to charge blindly toward an infinity of people with an open mind.
